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Jail Time

Do you ever wonder how we as a species, or even a society, will continue to exist? The amount of sheer idiocy I see on a daily basis makes me lose complete faith in humanity. A simple, quick trip to Target to get laundry detergent had me shaking my head, and remembering why I hate to leave my house.

DD the Wonder Dog was in the car so I wanted to make it quick. It was only 68 degrees and I had the back windows half down and the sunroof open. But in the People’s Republic of Federal Way, you never know when someone will be standing at your car, tapping their foot awaiting your arrival so they can point out how you’re abusing your animal, while feeling good about themselves in the process. I know DD plans to call the ASPCA to complain about riding on 4” memory foam and getting a treat for “guarding” the car every time I return. I’m clearly a bad dog mom. 

I digress. I walked down the laundry soap aisle…Arm and Hammer, All, Gain, no Tide, which is what I wanted. So I turned the corner to the next aisle over. A tsunami of Tide. Pods, liquid, powder, scented and un. Every single box, jug and container was behind locked glass doors. I understand why the pods have to be locked up because we’re raising children too stupid to not eat laundry soap, but the other stuff. Really? So, of course, I had to track down an employee. I stopped the first person I saw in a red vest.

 “Excuse me, can you open the laundry soap jail? "

"I’ll have to call someone.” Apparently, she didn't have the security clearance necessary to have the golden key.

I flashed back to my drinking days when I had to get a clerk at Safeway to unlock the tequila because it might escape. Now I’m waiting for laundry soap to be set free. All things being equal, I’d rather have been buying tequila. 

While the warden unlocked the door, I said, “I don’t even want to know why you guys are now locking up laundry soap.” I really didn’t want to go off on an employee who had no part in the decision, so I kept my tone neutral. 

“For theft, I guess.” 

The idea of it was too stupid to argue with so I said, “Thank you” in a nice and gracious tone.

It’s a little-known fact that people routinely stick 92-ounce jugs of laundry soap up their skirt and head for the door. Oh wait, it’s King County, so unless you steal over $900 worth of crap, cops won’t even respond and store employees can’t do a damn thing. OK, so I’ll give them that. But, then why, one aisle over, 10 feet away are there dozens of boxes of laundry soap on parole and unmonitored? Is Tide more of a flight risk than the rest? That’s profiling, and that’s wrong. If theft is the reason behind it, then in Federal Way, every single piece of merchandise in every single store should be in lockdown.

 I should have known better than to leave the house when my fuse was already down to two millimeters. Time to watch some Netflix about serial killing moms.

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